Things you need to buy: Food

When embarking on turkey battle project, there are a myriad of things that one must own, be able to borrow, and be willing to purchase. Let us start with food items:

As we have already established, poultry is essential to this equation. A turducken requires the three birds from whence its name devolved....a turkey, a duck, and a chicken. What are the proportions required of the beaked beasts in order to successfully fit one inside the other, like a stack of Russian matryoshka dolls? Well, common sense would dictate that the natural size of each bird be an indicator. For example, you will probably not be too lucky if you search for a chicken that is larger than a turkey. You will probably have optimal results with the following: A turkey, 15-25 pounds. I realize that is a large weight disparity but some people just like to do things bigger, like in Texas. The duck should be 6-8 pounds, or large enough to accommodate a 4 pound chicken.

For the fried turkey you will need a 10-17 pound turkey. Often times fryers will state that they can handle up to 25 pounds but the reality is that that is asking to put your fire extinguishers to good use. Also, the larger the bird, the less even the cooking and the more likely you will end up with rubber skin.

Now lets talk about stuffing. Fried turkeys should never EVER be stuffed, or, no we will not be frying the turducken. The reason for this is that the boiling oil is supposed to freely enter and exist the body cavity of the beast to ensure even cooking thoughout and stuffing prevents this resulting in charr of the bird and possible the human attending the cooker.

The turducken is another story. This mythical creature can acommodate two to three kinds of stuffing. Stuffing should be creole or cajun in flavor and design, to pay hommage to the origins of the bird. We are using a smoked oyster stuffing and a roasted garlic, fennel sausage cornbread duo brought to us by that evil dictator Martha Stewart. Stuffing items to be bought include enough smoked oysters to make your whole house awkward and uncomfortable for anyone who drops by, Crisco (if anyone can fill us in on how exactly these good folks manage to extract white fat from vegetables we're dying to know), six pigs worth of pork sausage, some seasonings, some vegetables, and a lot of beer, so you can drink until your nose forgets what the oysters smell like.

You also will need things for side dishes. Cranberries, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes peas and onions, carrots, bread/rolls, corn, and squash are all popular and Pilfrim-eqsue items you may wish to consider. Our thanksgiving will apparently also be featuring such exotic items as the aforementioned mango shrimp (cooked to perfection dammit jones!) and cripsy beef. No matter what, be sure to stock up on the peas and onions, because no matter how weird people think you are, once they start mixing them with their mashed potatoes and gravy they'll never go back.