Turhumanheadducken

The Onion is there.....

John Madden Arrested For Possession Of Turhumanheaducken

Max VS "Gravy" Battle

There are many things i would like to say about this past week's experiment, but my brain and my fingers have been slowed by the perpetual state of meat coma my body has been in since Thursday so for the moment I leave you with this day after Thanksgiving tale.

As previously stated, Turducken produces pan drippings the like to not be found anywhere else on this planet. Upon removing the beast from the oven we were treated to approximately 3 inches of melted fat, most of which can be assumed to be the liquified duck. Realizing that this was far too much for any functional gravy. we drained the drippings into a deep white bowl and poured an adequate amount back into the roasting pan to use for gravy. The white bowl was covered and eventually placed in the fridge for future uses, and what was used in the pan eventually yielded a luxorious and creamy sauce. After dinner the remainer was placed in a former soup contained and also placed in the fridge, though towards the back in a not so obvious place due to space constraints.

Friday morning arrives and after attacking the remaining dishes with vigor Max decides he needs to consume some leftovers apparently downs not 1 but 2 (!) plates of turducken smothered in about a cup of gravy. Checking the fridge later I realize that the covering over the fat is slightly ajar but think nothing of it. You probably see where this is going....
An hour later, barreling down the highway towards wine country Max is nodding in and out of sleep and saying he just generally feels really really weird. He happens to mention his mid-morning turducken snack and how the gravy in the white bowl looked a little weird but damn it tasted good. So yes, Max covered his 2 plates of food in pure turducken fat and has somehow managed to live to tell the tale.

Stay tuned for photos...

They will be posted sometime soon, and my are they delightful.

Team Turducken

A turducken is the ultimate thanksgiving committment. You are saying to your self and your guests, look folks, sometimes a turkey just isnt enough-I am willing to push myself to the limits to provide for you a unique and strangely satisfying meat treat experience. In return, all i ask is that you open your minds and your stomachs and prepare to enjoy that which is not what you expect. Or something like that.

Anyways, this evening Team Turducken convened for some baking and bird boning ( I know, de-boning sounds so much more appropriate but as these things go we shall make use of the proper terminology). The afternoon was full of last minute shopping errands, running the wrong red lights that will get us an overpriced ticket in the mail and having the 5 nails that decided to embed themselves in my tire extracted only to be told that in fact the tire should probably be put to rest due to some bubbling near the rim. Oh happy happy happy joy joy joy.

Dinner was provided courtesy of my dear friend in Alaska who apparently caught too many halibut for his freezer to handle and thus mailed some down this way. I will have to take this into consideration when i run out of fridge room next year and send him some raw poulry and a case of butter. Max (one of the visiting Michiganders and he who will be promoted from wingman to turkey fryer captain) was kind enough (or just smarter than the rest of us) to sit out the afternoon errands and make haste of the prep work. Upon arriving home we were treated to vats of crumbled cornbread and diced veggies as well as 15 heads of roasted garlic, and neatly stacked dishes. From there things slowly began to come together until we had 5 people operating in the kitchen peeling and blending yams, cooking sausage, washing and drying dishes, and performing surgery of the most disturbing kind on the poultry. Last year's experience taught us many things and as a result we were able to perform efficiently and with great skill at the bone removal. The addition of roommate Jon's knives to the equation made a large difference as well as even a small paring knife was able to deftly make a slice in a bony joint.

All the birds featured far too many tendons and other white, tough, sinewy things that were a burden to remove. Perhaps in the furture scientists will take into account the needs of the average chef and breed birds without such things, thus improving boning efficieny. Having solved all of the marvels of human form I challenge the Italians to this task.

The illustrious Ms. E requested that the bones be saved for stock making, which resulted in a piling of carcus in the freezer. I cannot wait to see what comes out of the delicably fatty duck and chicken wings that found their way into that pile, since bone removal proved futile for these smaller areas.

Things you need to obtain: Equipment

1. Turkey fryer....we have discussed this. Make sure to get a model that looks safer than other models that look less safe.

2. Propane. Apparently these red blooded Californians arent partial to propane for their grills. Upon surveying a slew of individuals it was determined that the favored method of grill heat is in fact charcoal. While I too am partial to charcoal this created a small headache since we had to actually find someone that sells filled propane tanks. After several stops and intensive inquisitions of retail and food store employees sporting concerned looks on their face the fine folks at Albertsons came through once again. For only 39.99$ you too can take home a full propane tank. No questions asked.

3. Refridgeration. Let it be said that you can never have too much refridgerator space. Seriously, this endeavor requires about 6 of industrial proportions. If you dont have this capacity, prepare to drink all that old beer and clean out all those old condiments. You will quickly learn to become very creative and efficient in your use of space.

4. Baking. It makes everything easier to have a nice big stove that can handle trash can sized pans. I also highly recommend an All Clad roasting pan. The uber-sized one that andrew likes to drool on. This roasting pan can handle dump truck sized loads of stuffing and cleans up to a shiny, aesthetically pleasing silver. You should also consider buying stock in your local kitchen supply store since you will find yourself making hourly trips as you realize that no matter how little room you have in your kitchen, you dont actually have anything thats useful.

5. Miscellaney. I also recommend having 20 boxes of the torso-sized zip lock bags, 6 rolls of aluminum foil, an equal number of plastic wrap rolls, latex gloves, neosporin, a surgeon, a flashlight, a fire pit, one mile of counter space, and industrial strength bleach on hand. Really sharp knives are useful as is a socially unacceptable fascination with those brain surgery shows they feature on the Discovery channel.

Things you need to buy: Food

When embarking on turkey battle project, there are a myriad of things that one must own, be able to borrow, and be willing to purchase. Let us start with food items:

As we have already established, poultry is essential to this equation. A turducken requires the three birds from whence its name devolved....a turkey, a duck, and a chicken. What are the proportions required of the beaked beasts in order to successfully fit one inside the other, like a stack of Russian matryoshka dolls? Well, common sense would dictate that the natural size of each bird be an indicator. For example, you will probably not be too lucky if you search for a chicken that is larger than a turkey. You will probably have optimal results with the following: A turkey, 15-25 pounds. I realize that is a large weight disparity but some people just like to do things bigger, like in Texas. The duck should be 6-8 pounds, or large enough to accommodate a 4 pound chicken.

For the fried turkey you will need a 10-17 pound turkey. Often times fryers will state that they can handle up to 25 pounds but the reality is that that is asking to put your fire extinguishers to good use. Also, the larger the bird, the less even the cooking and the more likely you will end up with rubber skin.

Now lets talk about stuffing. Fried turkeys should never EVER be stuffed, or, no we will not be frying the turducken. The reason for this is that the boiling oil is supposed to freely enter and exist the body cavity of the beast to ensure even cooking thoughout and stuffing prevents this resulting in charr of the bird and possible the human attending the cooker.

The turducken is another story. This mythical creature can acommodate two to three kinds of stuffing. Stuffing should be creole or cajun in flavor and design, to pay hommage to the origins of the bird. We are using a smoked oyster stuffing and a roasted garlic, fennel sausage cornbread duo brought to us by that evil dictator Martha Stewart. Stuffing items to be bought include enough smoked oysters to make your whole house awkward and uncomfortable for anyone who drops by, Crisco (if anyone can fill us in on how exactly these good folks manage to extract white fat from vegetables we're dying to know), six pigs worth of pork sausage, some seasonings, some vegetables, and a lot of beer, so you can drink until your nose forgets what the oysters smell like.

You also will need things for side dishes. Cranberries, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes peas and onions, carrots, bread/rolls, corn, and squash are all popular and Pilfrim-eqsue items you may wish to consider. Our thanksgiving will apparently also be featuring such exotic items as the aforementioned mango shrimp (cooked to perfection dammit jones!) and cripsy beef. No matter what, be sure to stock up on the peas and onions, because no matter how weird people think you are, once they start mixing them with their mashed potatoes and gravy they'll never go back.

Poultry Weigh-In, the Sequel

2 turkeys+1 duck +1 chicken=47+ pounds.
Add to that 6 pounds of sausage (so its not poultry, sue me) for a grand total of
53 pounds of meat. In my refridgerator. Whee.

As a side note, for anyone looking to purchase a fresh (but dead) young duck, I highly recommend Albertsons. Sure it probably was shot up with growth hormones and beaten with a whip, but at just under 3$ / pound how could you possibly refuse? Besides, as we learned with last year's Turducken experiment, the duck actually liquifies to keep everything inside the turkey nice and moist. The drippings that ooze from within can be used to make a heart stopping gravy that would be the evny of French chefs world wide.

Fridge Check and Poultry Weigh-In

I'm sure you all are sitting on the edge of your seats in anticipation. After all, we've dropped hints and pointed you to videos of turkey fryers catching ablaze, but we havent told you anything terribly useful about the process of planning a turkey face-off meal. Well, I hope you nail biters have got some long nails since youre just going to have to keep sitting there. But here is a useless piece of information.

At present my refridgerator contains the following:
1.. 30 cans Bud Light.
2. 4 bottles "good" beer.
3. Some yogurt.
4. Some arugala and spinich and shrived grape tomoatoes.
5. A lot of condiments.
6. 40.24 pounds of poultry.

Yea, thats right. Over 40 pounds of thawing birds. How does one amass a poultry weight such as this you ask? The current body count includes one 23+ pound nearly unthawed turkey from CostCo, one 13+ pound fresh turkey from Safeway, one not quite 5 pound fresh chicken, also from Safeway. Upon duck accural tomorrow the poundage is expected to increase to a whopping 50 pounds. Stay tuned as birds meet their fate....

Other Thanksgiving Food Battles We Rejected

In coming to the all important decision to pit turducken against fried turkey we had to consciously eliminate other possible Thanksgiving day battles. Mashed potatoes vs scalloped potatoes? Peas vs carrots? Ocean Spray canned cranberries vs homemade cranberry chutney? While all of these qualify as important considerations, the reality is that the ramifications of chosing a winner in any of these categories are essentially insignificant to the bigger picture. That said...these are my two favorites from the discard pile:

1) Marshmellow Yams VS Green Bean Casserole Battle.
This is the battle of foods that someone will inevitably bring to thanksgiving dinner despite the fact they make everyone uncomfortable. These are the foods that everyone secretly loves, despite their gummy and slimy appearance. Regardless of who wins this battle everyone is really a loser as the result is a silent and smelly butt puffle that clears the room.

2)Mango Shrimp VS Jell-o Mold Battle
A friend said that she may be bringing some mango shrimp to thanksgiving as an hour d'ouvre. I have no issue with this but it got me thinking about what food gelatinous mango shrimp in a bowl could possible face off against. The answer is clear-the ubiquitiously feared Jell-o Mold. Growing up, without fail, my mother would spend an evening constructing a jiggly green and red structure adorned with grapes, apples, bananas, and other such fruits that would shock and confused the mouth with their textural disparities to the opaque to clear mound that encased them. The result is something that most stare at in disgusted fascination yet few dare to eat. Those that do will inevitably end up with a mouthful of mold and peas n gravy I suspect that as an adult I too shall someday go down this road, if only to horrify my children and make them be thankful that I'm not cruel enough to make them actually eat it.

Do you have any Olio?

Tonight we shall discuss that which shall hereafter be referred to as "Planning ahead"....
Planning ahead happens when we think about that which is it that we are doing, and what the necessary steps are to make it a successful effort.

When embarking on endeavors requiring at least 35 lbs of cooking oil, you have to take pause and wonder what is going to happen to the oil after it heats your meat treat to cripsy, juicy perfection. And thus began the search for a facility that will ever so graciously accept the boiled oil as well as the sludge removed from my roommate's bicycle which is now festering in a black liquid stew in a cottage cheese container in the laundry room and an assortment of dead batteries which live in a drawer and cause confusion.

A search using terms such as "oil disposal" indicated that it is a "Hazardous Waste Management Facility" that we shall be in search of, and a search for "berkeley hazardous waste" led me to the Alameda County Services Hazardous Waste Management hotline. Curious parties may call any time of the day to listen to a less than inspired recording at (800) 606-6606. Apparently in Alameda County there are three such facilities that will accept "grease/cooking oil" along with the other detritous. Each facility is convienently only open for three days each month from the incredibly useful hours of 9AM to 1PM. Our local facility would be known as the "Oakland Facility." Sadly, our oil will not have been prepared for disposal in time for the bygone November dates of 10-12. Fortunately, December's hours on the 8-10 are just around the corner, also known as just enough time to see what exactly happens to used peanut oil over a three week period or to forget about the whole thing and resell the oil to a local chinese joint.

The turducken in history

Scientists have unearthed an archive of historical efforts at turducken construction.

Turkey sushi

The News & Observer has a turkey cook-off of its own, with deep-fried pitted against the "trash can" method and the Morton Thompson approach, which involves complex stuffing. On the trickiness of frying:

I have learned there is a small window of time in which to pull a perfectly done bird out of that bubbling peanut oil. Five minutes too long and you are left with turkey jerky. Five minutes too soon and you have what Tyrus Clark calls "turkey sushi" under that crispy skin.

Here's the article.

Step One, The Fryer

In order to deep fry a turkey, one requires a turkey fryer. A turkey fryer isnt your creepy uncle's fry daddy. No sir. A turkey fryer is a far more serious investment. In recent years turkey fryers have become synonomous with Thanksgiving day disaster as drunken yahoos nationwide disobey the cardinal rules of turkey frying and set their backyards and kitchens en fuego. As a result the cooking ware saftey committee, UL, will not even rate various turkey fryers.

The average turkey fryer will cost around 100$ US. Cheaper models are likely to result in bodily injury, and more expensive brands are unproven to be superior. Fortunately for this experiment the good folks at Cost Co had a fryer set for $99. The package stated that the contents included a giant stainless steel vat, a slightly less giant stainless steel cooking pot, a basket, and a wire hanger style turkey meat hook. Also included are some propane hook ups and a large base on which to set the whole affair atop a flame. Stability is provided by a steel girdle and the hopes that the user is discerning enough to put the thing on something firm and inflammable. After some substantial hemming and hawing, a coin flip, and a debate over oil flash points, we left the store with fryer in tow. It now sits a top a 35 lb box of peanut oil in the kitchen, next to the 20 gallon cooler of condiments.

The coundown is on....

...to the ultimate poultry face off. Yes folks, its that time of year. Its time for Fried Turkey vs Turducken Battle. Let the best meat treat win.